Bikini Bylaws

According to my intense research (otherwise known as random browsing) today is the anniversary of the introduction of the bikini. As a person who for about 8 minutes in the 1960s had the body to wear one, this day is a waste of time. So, for those out there who are contemplating the wearing of said article of clothing, here are my guidelines:

I Would Really Not Rather See You In A Bikini If:

1. It disappears into your rolls (and I don't mean the dinner kind).

2. Your six-year-old can wear the one you just bought in your size at the ladies department.

3. It has a double use as dental floss.

4. You're ten months pregnant - yes, I'm old and don't want to see all that.

5. You would have more coverage with two band aids and an address label.

6. You were recently enhanced several cups and want to impress by wearing your former training bra-size top.

7. You're the right size, but you are just too old, leathery, and wrinkly to pull it off.

8. You painted one on. Yes, I've watched the Girls Next Door.

9. Speedos and delusional old men - don't want to see it unless I'm watching you in the Olympics.

10. You keep shrieking "It just keeps falling off!" Right, and the wind just keeps flinging my towel over your body.

Thank you for listening. In the bikini world, we all have to do our part, otherwise EVERYBODY might think the bikini is for them - and that would include me. Yeah, I thought that would get your attention!